Women Are Irrational

Written by an often rational woman

Over the past two months of massive amounts of travel and general unknown regarding my future, I've felt my ability to speak and write clearly and articulate thoughts has been severely impacted. I’ve known there wasn’t really anything I could do about it - but it’s been hard for me to publish my writing from this unsettled state.

I wrote this piece a little while ago and my soul delighted in unburdening these thoughts from my mind by clacking away at my typewriter. With the reviving of my Substack last month I promised myself I’d publish something every Thursday. This week I've been writing a piece that ultimately turned into two pieces, and neither of them is ready yet.

I sat down to write today, feeling a bit overwhelmed at the state of my current pieces, and as I was reflecting on what would bring me the most joy to write/share today I suddenly remembered I had the typed pages of this essay in my laptop sleeve and figured this would be the most delightful way to celebrate my jumbled state.

My title is not attempting to be click bait. Or to needlessly rile you up if you’re a woman.

Why does this simple statement seem to polarize men and women? If you are a man reading this, I'm guessing you feel some relief in the simple acknowledgement this phrase provides. And if you are a woman I would hazard a guess that this feels akin to an insult.

If you are a woman anything like me you may feel slightly betrayed by your emotions during PMS. More sensitive. Maybe moody? Maybe it’s as simple as having less patience for others’ incompetence. Or as I quite often find myself, simply wanting a slightly larger personal-space bubble in public. Are any of these symptoms inherently bad? Would we be better women if none of those were the case?

Why does it feel as though admitting any sensitivity weakens our credibility? I’ll be the absolute first person in line to admit I don’t enjoy these heightened sensitivities. It makes me feel a little out of my own control. But for me to deny these very real sensitivities would ACTUALLY be irrational.

Now, whether man or woman, I would hazard a guess that the assumption that it’s THAT time of the month has been met with a less than positive response. Women, I’m guessing your already heightened sensitivity doesn’t long to accept that judgement – true or not. Perhaps you have lost track of the days and may be unaware yourself. Or maybe the reminder that your brain is not feeling like your friend doesn’t have space to accept a very logical assessment of your compromised state. I get it. And I know men are sometimes wary of bringing up this hypothesis in the heat of the moment. Can you blame them?

What to do? Well, my humble suggestion is to ask yourself what specifically comes up for you when you hear that phrase, “you’re being irrational.” Is it a memory from your youth? A bad relationship? A bully? An older brother? Maybe you can remember the specifics. Maybe in hindsight you can agree with whoever said these words to you. Maybe they really were gaslighting you. Whatever the incident, my guess is those words still hold some power over you.

What would it look like for you to take those words and own them? Now, please please do not abuse them. For your sake and the sake of woman-kind. But think about a time when you, normally an even-headed individual, were aware you were feeling a little too strongly for the situation.

I’ll go first. Last Saturday I had just joined the queue for a meat vendor at the farmer’s market. With zero acknowledgement of me, a couple stood directly in front of me and did not clock that I existed and was already in line. They went on to talk about other things, and while my insides were distraught, I knew it wasn't worth the awkward confrontation, so I bit my tongue. Now the wife asked for some cash and left the husband to stand in line and he turns to me and commented about the length of the line. I can tell you right now that on a non-hormonally heightened-sensitivity day I just may have indulged him in a few exchanges of small talk. But on this day, where I had already clocked my limited loose grace for humans, I merely murmured a response of “mmhmm.” Thankfully he got the message and while I sincerely do not relish being short with others, I knew I just did not have it in me at that moment.

Now, I did not have to share my limitations origin story with this man, but if someone who I am in relationship with may fall prey to my limited grace and mercy, I think it absolutely appropriate to share. It need not be anything over the top, but a simple, “I’m sorry if I’m a little short today, my hormones are rendering me a little sensitive.”

Obviously you know your situation and can likely anticipate their reaction and response. Owning your shorter temper, or your more emotional state is actually quite empowering. Even if you aren’t aware you are PMSing or think there is no way that could be the cause of your heightened emotional state, you can absolutely still say - “I’m sorry, I’m just feeling a little irrational today”. It is my sincere belief that THIS DOES NOT SET WOMEN BACK!

I’ve only really addressed hormonally influenced irrationality so far, but instead of lingering here, I’d like to pivot to another oft perceived negative trait label: being weak. I think there is a close relationship between our cultural perceptions of irrationality and weakness, and when we start reframing one, there is a natural cascade effect that can help us reexamine our assumptions about both.

If your reaction to owning irrationality in any way resembles “weakness as bad” you have uncovered an informing belief that is not serving you. You can walk away or be upset by what I'm saying here, and while I hope you stay, I will not be hurt. I inflicted much worse on myself by gas-lighting myself that weakness was the worst. I judged other women for their base manipulation of men by being helpless and needing a “big strong man” to do something for them that I knew they were capable of. And while this is not a blanket endorsement to require a man to open every jar lid you encounter, being weak isn’t bad. And women are incredibly strong.

I believe both of those statements whole-heartedly. Being weak is vulnerable. And there is incredible power in vulnerability. There are absolutely situations when the smartest thing to do is exude confidence. But when a guy offers to help you with a box, don’t automatically assume the worst. We as women hold the power to encourage the kind of behavior we want to see. Some hurt men will call this manipulation. And it can absolutely be abused in that manner. But if you assume a man in insulting your strength and capability when he offers you help, both parties lose. Men absolutely love getting to be a hero. Now, perhaps not unnecessary to restate, DO NOT ABUSE THIS. But if they help you with something then YOU have the open door to thank them like a hero. Be genuine and sincere, and if applicable this is also a great chance to flirt.

I’m feeling a little out of my personal depth because the majority of men I’m around are married and I don’t get to put this scenario to use, but you could even say something like, “How can I repay you?” Okay, I know, that’s VERY over the top. But instead of rejecting the offer, see what happens when you let men be the hero and then thank them like a hero. You’re cutting yourself off from the level of agency a woman can wield. This doesn't mean you pretend to be a damsel in distress. You just switch the sign on the door saying “stay away” to “we’re open.”

While I used dating as a practical example here there are so many other amazing ways to employ this openness if you’re not looking for any new romance. I have found I receive incredible customer service if I approach the situation with openness. I needed a new rear windshield wiper and picked out my best bet before going to the counter. The guy commended that I had selected almost the right size and then I felt less sheepish when I presented my car fob and admitted I couldn’t figure out how to open it up to replace the battery/learn what battery I needed. Sure enough, there was a trick, he used a key of his own to leverage it open, and then he used the knife from his pocket to free one of the new batteries he’d gathered and replaced it for me before I’d even paid. He was wearing a wedding ring and there was absolutely no flirting done on either part. I was grateful for his service, I was authentically myself and even though car stuff is truthfully not my area of expertise I didn’t put on any airs of incompetence.

I’ll admit I’ve envied women in the past for their ability to garner and accept help and it’s still something I’m practicing. But I have retired phrases like “no thanks, I’ve got it” and adopted the phrase, “you know what, that would be amazing, thank you!”

Whether or not I’ve shifted your personal stance on weakness (or irrationality) as a possible vector for good, I hope you can take an honest account of where your personal connotations with irrationality and weakness in general live in your worldview. I have come to find great strength in admitting my internal processor is not its usual self and give myself a little grace on those days. Sometimes I even ask a friend - “Is this irrational to think?” There is tremendous power in knowing you still have agency even if it feels like your mind is behaving as an enemy and not a friend.

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Since writing this I’ve had more thoughts to add but I haven’t eaten today and I’m reaching the point of hunger where I’m a little impatient, so I’ll save them for another day. But I will add a story from my morning that as I revisited this text made me giggle.

I was set to meet a friend at 8am for a walk around Radnor Lake in Nashville and I’d brought a ginger shot to imbibe. I was about ten minutes early so I was just sitting in my car struggling with this little glass jar. I looked over and saw that the parked car next to me had an inhabitant and from what I could tell the hands looked manly. I went over and stood by his driver window holding the jar and waved. He rolled down his window and I sheepishly asked him if he would mind opening my ginger shot for me. He laughed and obliged. And after I thanked him for his heroics he said “let me know if there’s anything else I can open for you.” We both laughed to ourselves as we parted ways.