Identity Crisis
On Why Self-Knowledge Matters
The man without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder - waif, a nothing, a no man. Have a purpose in life, and, having it, throw such strength of mind and muscle into your work as God has given you.
Thomas Carlyle
Scottish author, essayist, & historian (1795 - 1881)
It’s 2023 and there’s simply an unprecedented cacophony of inputs. I think often of Ancient Rome and wonder if they experienced a comparable tenor of clown before their demise. With that being said - I’ve had some thoughts simmering for a while now and I think the reduction is complete.
A society of people who don’t know who they are - and often even who they want to be - is a necessary condition for this chaos. I suggest that the past 100ish years have done more to undermine inherited identity than many realize. While there are various contributing factors at play - self-sovereignty stands strong in my estimation as a viable path to resistance.
MY PREMISE: Mainstream culture has a strong current pulling away from traditionally held beliefs and toward a deconstructed worldview that doesn’t present a cohesive belief system.
Every single human on this planet has a worldview. A set of informing beliefs - often handed down from family or drawn from experience. These belief sets may change - whether during middle school from the wisdom of peers or from international travel, etc. Our brains are a system - and we run the input from our lives as data in this system. New code/rules can be added - and old rules can be rewritten. But without internal guidelines (worldview) we rob our brains of the ability to function well when we have conflicting code.
An example - I grew up with parents who instilled an extremely high value on sexual purity. They hoped my first kiss would be on my wedding day. After being homeschooled through middle school I went to public high school. I liked a few guys and went to dances but ultimately didn’t find anyone of enough interest for me to want to kiss. I was surrounded by friends who were doing more than kissing but I had adopted my parents' values. In college when I did end up dating a guy I really liked - I was happy to have him be my first kiss. I wasn’t doing this in rebellion to my parents, but I had reformed the guidelines they had hoped I would live by. In me modifying their worldviews - I created my own worldview.
Living on inherited worldviews is a great start. It’s often a lot easier to edit than start from scratch. Clearly there are exceptions to this - but for the most part, parental worldviews are great training wheels until life experience and hopefully wisdom forms.
But what happens when a generation rejects the tried and true worldviews of many generations before them? I hypothesize that THIS is the root of the real issue. Not necessarily the brass tacks of WHAT you believe. But that you have beliefs at all. As I’ve already stated - our brain does systems. It’s how we sort life.
PUT INTO PRACTICE:
I’m going to pivot from the theoretical to the practical now. A goal of these writings is to also provide useful exercises for reflection and self-knowledge.
Worldviews are the beliefs we hold to be true. Like it or not - what you believe will have great impact on your life.
I challenge you to clarify what your worldview is. Put it in writing. What do you fundamentally believe?
One example of a belief I had passively allowed to take residence in my system was "I don’t need a man.” While I have made it my whole adult life as a working woman providing for myself - I realized that this belief is actually not in line with what I want. I bought lumber this weekend and used my saw and drill to build shelves for myself. No, I didn’t need a man to do that for me. But I am seeking a marriage and family of my own - and I very much do not want to do that solo.
Historically - yeah, I haven’t needed a man. But was that (I’m going to go wild and call it a lie) lie perhaps the reason I didn’t have a man to join me in my life?
From what I know of men - they love to be needed. No, they don’t want you to be completely useless - but they find purpose in being needed. Needing them to help you open a jar, needing their advice, needing their coat for warmth, or their presence for protection - they thrive on this.
Since apparently I’m daring to speak on behalf of men at large - a man without purpose is hardly a man. And our society has basically told men that they aren’t needed - and at times not even wanted.
I’m sure I’ll uncover more worldview informing beliefs I don’t want around but for now I’m working at assessing the various traditional feminine and masculine virtues and holding them up to the light to see what might crawl out.
Curious to know if this brought to mind any unhelpful beliefs in your own system/worldview. I would love to see if you’d be willing to share in the comments.
Thanks for the time,
Mills
As a man - totally agree that being needed / validated is one of our core needs.
I’ve been married nearly 25 years. I married my high-school sweetheart... so although that is a net positive, a lot of our maturity and self discovery happened within our marriage... so that definitely provided its shares of ups and downs over the years.
I can definitely say that some of the lowest / darkest points within that journey for me (as the male in the relationship) was when I felt that I was not needed by my wife.
Put in more practical terms (as she would never actually say that to me)... where I felt that I was a burden to her... or worse yet - when I would recognize that some of my own insecurities / false worldviews adversely impacted her (always unintentionally- but damaging nonetheless).
As I went down my own journey of discovering who I am - it became more clear to me that many of my past “issues” with my wife were actually more of a projection of some deep seeded insecurities of my own from childhood. She had little, if anything to do with them, but because I had not dealt with them inside of my own heart - it would manifest into something negative within the relationship. Once I dealt with those issues inside of my heart...my love for my wife only grew...it was like I had let an insecurity in my past overshadow and not appreciate the incredible and talented person that she is.
Great content thus far Mills. You are definitely resonating with me. I have two girls that I homeschool and much of what you write aligns with how my wife and I try to frame out for them.
That men need to feel needed was a big lesson I learned in my early twenties! Whether men need to "be needed" more than women, I'm not sure, but everyone needs respect and appreciation, and I do feel that modern culture puts too much emphasis on respect and appreciation for women, but not for men.