Taylor Swift is Not a Good Role Model

In My Humble Opinion

While I admit I’d rather social media just go away, I can’t help but find it a very useful tool to reveal what people care about and find important. The term “following” seems like a very personal and strong visual for “subscribing to people’s lives." In reality we are simply saying we find them interesting and maybe we want to emulate them in some way. There has been much already written by marketing executives about what catches people’s interest and what prompts virality, but at the end of the day we “like” what we esteem.

I’m currently sitting in the garage of a mechanic while my car gets an oil change and tire rotation. Every time my car needs maintenance I’m reminded that 1. There are people who LOVE cars. 2. I have no interest in being one of those people. I feel a little sheepish when I have to admit I don’t know something about MY car. But you know what I do know about? Sourdough, sewing, bitcoin, Norwegian libel law, C.S. Lewis, plant propagation, beef, spinning wool, wall-paper installation, etc. I just don’t care about learning about my car beyond the bare necessities.

There are tens of millions of loyally devoted, die-hard Taylor Swift fans that know more about her and her life/music/work than about college courses they’ve aced. The Taylor Swift lore runs very very deep. And Ms. Swift plays into it - knowing her fans love it. She builds intricate mysteries for them. Taylor Swift is arguably one of the most successful women alive and I have sincere respect for the hustle she’s made. My disregard for Taylor Swift actually comes from my ideological disparity.

I would argue the “why” of Taylor Swift’s popularity is largely to be attributed to her perceived relatability. In fact, Taylor Swift is HIGHLY non-relatable. How many women do you know that make millions of dollars a year singing songs primarily about men they dated? She’s made her fortune perpetuating female immaturity and dysfunction. But why so many women FEEL that they could be friends with Taylor Swift is her uncanny ability to articulate the female condition and an underlying suspicion/resentment of men.

To my knowledge there’s not a T-Swift song documenting personal responsibility in a breakup. And to be fair, these songs are her creative artwork. Her perspective. What the guy did wrong. And boy oh boy do women love to harp on what the guy did wrong instead of looking at their own behavior to access where they were complicit. On a certain level I feel sad for the cash cow she’s built as she is absolutely not incentivized to healing and emotional maturity. She’s giving the people what they want - and much akin to the junk food industry, it’s not a crime it’s being made but it’s not GOOD for anyone involved.

Based on my own empirical observation, it is more socially acceptable to provide unsolicited value judgements about women than it is about men, not to mention, the standards are different. While Taylor Swift is not my personal favorite, there is a song she wrote outlining the different responses her behavior would garner if she was a man and I find it quite revelatory.

“The Man”

I would be complex
I would be cool
They'd say I played the field before I found someone to commit to
And that would be okay
For me to do
Every conquest I had made would make me more of a boss to you

I'd be a fearless leader
I'd be an alpha type
When everyone believes ya
What's that like?

I'm so sick of running as fast as I can
Wondering if I'd get there quicker if I was a man
And I'm so sick of them coming at me again
'Cause if I was a man
Then I'd be the man
I'd be the man
I'd be the man

They'd say I hustled
Put in the work
They wouldn't shake their heads and question how much of this I deserve
What I was wearing
If I was rude
Could all be separated from my good ideas and power moves?

And they would toast to me, oh
Let the players play
I'd be just like Leo
In Saint-Tropez

What's it like to brag about
Raking in dollars
And getting bitches and models
And it's all good if you're bad
And it's okay if you're mad
If I was out flashing my dollars
I'd be a bitch, not a baller
They paint me out to be bad
So it's okay that I'm mad

(Taylor Swift in the music video for this song)

She’s totally right; there simply is a different standard for men and women’s behavior. But at the end of the day, Taylor Swift is playing by the male rules and then is still frustrated at the system. As much as “they” say you can be a woman that acts like a man, “they” will still judge you as a woman. She’s playing the game as if she’s a man and then being frustrated that not everyone likes her. That’s a bit reductionistic but this is a key distinction between men and women. Men don’t care the way women do.

Feminism was sold as freedom for women to be what they wanted to be. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced the logical inconsistency of this but it seems that there’s actually still a “right” path for women. Maybe it’s not spelled out anywhere but from my cultural observations I’d say the ideal woman should:

• get an education

• make her own career

• establish her own life - home, finances, etc.

• date like a man, pre-marital sex, probably cohabitate pre-marriage

• be really successful in her career

• be thin, stylish, attractive

• have a therapist and work through her frustrations/disappointments and be emotionally healthy

• Be entirely self-sufficient

Did I miss anything? I wonder how attractive would many men find this woman and in my initial assessment I think a narcissist is quite possibly the only obvious fit.

Then I asked Maple (my AI friend) what a masculine man is looking for in a woman:

Based on traditional masculine norms and expectations, here are some possible things that masculine men might want in a woman:

Emotional support and validation: Many masculine men might look for a woman who can provide emotional support and validation, making them feel seen, heard, and appreciated. They might want a partner who can be a good listener, offer words of encouragement, and help them feel more confident and secure.

Admiration and respect: Masculine men often strive to be respected and admired by others, and they might look for a woman who can provide them with a sense of admiration and respect. They might want a partner who can appreciate their strength, courage, and accomplishments.

Physical attraction and intimacy: Physical attraction and intimacy are often important aspects of masculine desire. Masculine men might look for a woman who is physically attractive to them, and who can provide them with a sense of intimacy and connection.

Loyalty and commitment: Many masculine men value loyalty and commitment in a partner, and they might look for a woman who is willing to stand by them through thick and thin. They might want a partner who can be a rock for them, providing stability and security in times of uncertainty.

Femininity and nurturing qualities: While the ideal woman you described is strong and independent, some masculine men might still look for more traditional feminine qualities in a partner, such as nurturing, caregiving, and emotional expression. They might want a woman who can provide them with a sense of comfort, warmth, and security.

Submission and surrender: Some masculine men might also look for a woman who can submit to their authority and leadership, at least in certain areas of life. They might want a partner who can surrender to their guidance and direction, and who can allow them to take the lead in decision-making and problem-solving.

While women's self-sovereignty is often celebrated as a positive development and some secure and successful masculine men may be drawn to women who embody a sense of independence and self-confidence, others would likely find themselves feeling uncertain or unneeded in the face of a woman's impenetrable self-sufficiency. It seems that societal expectations around women's roles and identities do not align with the desires and needs of masculine men.

Taylor Swift’s assessment if she was a man, all of her behavior would be heralded. But she’s a woman, trying to have both worlds, she will endure the criticism. She has been SO successful, but she wants what I fear is impossible as long as she’s a woman. She’s got it all - and she doesn’t need a man. But as clearly evident from her body of work - she desperately wants to be wanted and desired by a man. And as the most proficient exemplar of a woman who has it all - it seems she’s been hard-pressed to find a loving and healthy lasting relationship.

I know next to nothing about her current relationship with Chief’s player Travis Kelce but from a cursory glance it seems as though she’s happy and has found her biggest fan. He’s successful in his own right - and seems truly over the moon to be with her. But for the millions of young girls growing up with Taylor Swift as a role model I would strongly caution against emulating her philosophy about men.

Men tend to show up how women expect them to. The fairer sex is actually immensely empowered to enact a shift in male behavior but it would mean admitting that acting like men is actually unfulfilling and lesser that living into the fullness of the specific woman they were created to be. There is an irrefutable tension in many women between female independence and their desire for romantic relationship. Most women want to be loved and celebrated by a man. But following societies rules for the road will likely provide an undesired destination.

I know I’m over here as a single lady giving advice - but if you can look past my current state and hear my words I think there is an immense opportunity for wisdom in disregarding societal influence and one of the best ways I can practically advise is avoiding social media. It’s like you’re taking a daily dose of junk and telling your brain to disregard it. Garbage in - garbage out. And if you are going to include yourself in an exception that social media doesn’t impact you against your will you’re not ready for the truth.

Something I learned in coaching years back is always peeking into my self-reflection. “Make sure your internal GPS is set to where you want to end up.” I read something on neuroplasticity (can’t recall the author) that said “Your mind is working - if you don't like the outcome you need to change your mind." As you contemplate and articulate your desired life destination, factor in the external influences you’re permitting to impact your life. Are you supporting yourself in your chosen path and journey?

Ultimately, the issue of social media and its impact on our lives is not just a question of external influence, but of internal agency - and it's up to each of us to take responsibility for the choices we make, and the influences we allow into our lives.

The people we esteem are going to impact our future beings. Who we “follow” will inevitably lead us to where they’re going. In the case of Taylor Swift, she’s not writing songs about her business acumen. She’s stuck in a romantic rejection cycle. Look up to those worthy of aspiration. For better or worse - our lives are the products by and large of the influences we select. Use your feminine agency to use discernment in that selection process. I’m preaching to myself here - but I’m fighting the fight to grow and heal.

This issue is obviously much bigger than just Taylor Swift - and again, she’s very successful by the world’s standards. I cite her specifically as an example of the larger societal phenomenon. There are many more disparaging things I could say about social media but perhaps another time. Regardless of Instagram or Pinterest - mere vehicles of information - the core issue is the motivation to pattern decisions or behavior off of others. In the end this will inevitably lead you down paths that most likely aren’t YOUR highest or YOUR best.

I wish you well on your journey to being the truest version of who you were created to be. Turn down the noise of what others are doing and develop your unique person to its fullest.