Rather than a straightforward belief, I view the construct of “frame” as a mindset - a psychological disposition of sorts. Forget all of the sitcoms that mock the father figure as incompetent and start fresh in assessing what makes a man - a real man. This is not mere cottage-core or a reversion to 1950s housewifery. Frame is the true manifestation of agency.
“Frame control is outwardly manifest in actions that are consistent with your frame.”
- Noah Revoy
Back to worldviews - there are quite a few historic virtues classically attributed to the masculine/feminine. This is a Venn diagram situation - there’s a healthy portion of virtues shared between the masculine and feminine but I’m going to break down four traditional virtues for each frame.
These virtues are not by any means exclusive to men or women but merely a guiding light. I won’t say there’s a percentage breakdown target to specifically hit but rather I would posit that the more intentionality that is placed on exercising your sex-corresponding virtues will organically result in an internal alignment.
I recognize now that pretty much ALL of my twenties I was living more in my masculine frame. I wasn’t waking up trying to be a man but through my career and my climate in NYC I was setting myself up to not allow for my feminine frame to flourish. I was in roles of leadership - which I don’t think is necessarily inherently in opposition to feminine virtues BUT I do think it should be done with care. Management doesn’t have to be done in a masculine frame but I’d say in many situations it is easy for a woman to move out of her feminine virtues in positions of power in part because the feminine virtues lend themselves to the nurturing and emotional aspect of humans which is often an impediment to hard decision-making which tends to be a requisite of c-suite leadership.
Masculine Virtues:
Justice
While many may initially appraise as “fairness” - as a virtue justice refers to honesty. Not necessarily transparency, but accurate representations of the truth and not being deceitful. Many of the traditional definitions describe it as the mean or average of selfishness with selflessness. It’s a commitment to doing the right thing and esteeming that as important and worthwhile and making sure the proper value is attributed.
Temperance
This out of circulation word is also speaking to a balance. An in-between of depriving of any comfort but an aversion to gluttony. My brother once (kindly) reprimanded me for not being attracted to super muscly guys. He said I should reframe my view of their physique to see their commitment to strength. But as I later studied virtues I realized what was unattractive to me was the overindulgence. A strong and toned muscular physique is VERY different from a body builder arms-stretch-out-shirt-sleeves kind of body. What I was actually reacting to was the excess. Temperance is moderation. Not being stupid-drunk, too lazy, too - anything.
Courage/Strength/Bravery
This is probably no surprise as “defend, protect, & provide” - while also sounding slightly like a police slogan - I’d guess is the most prevalent traditional masculine character description. I’m not sure men are inherantly more gifted in courage or bravery - but instead are somehow better suited to rise to the occasion and fight or protect with their naturally stronger bodies - and their mental ability to override discomfort. I’m not saying men feel pain any less (they are seemingly more wrecked when sick from my observation) but they are able to grit through wild discomfort for the sake of duty and purpose.
Wisdom
Probably my most reticently accepted belief is that women are more irrational than men. I just don’t like it. I’ve always thought of myself as a very logical person (and I do still think I am) but honestly, the moment I allowed for temporary irrational thoughts to be an accepted part of my make-up it felt like a weight had been lifted. Men are less affected by their emotions. Not that they don’t have powerful feelings, but from where I sit I truly believe they just don’t scream quite as loud in men’s minds or perhaps they posses some ability to quiet them. Wisdom is really the confluence of the three virtues above. Wisdom is not book-learning but judgement. Knowing when to act - and being able to judge appropriately in moderation and rightness. Making the right call when a tough situation calls for a decision.
Feminine Virtues:
Devotion
There is a certain steadiness to all of these feminine virtue - so much so that one of the feminine virtues is more or less steadiness itself! Devotion is demonstrating a commitment to care and nurturing. Showing faithful and consistent concern through visible acts of service and being thoughtful to specific needs. There’s a quiet strength in consistent unseen actions.
Kindness
I wish I’d known just how damaging being mean to guys can be - negging is NOT a two-way street. I grew up with brothers and somehow didn’t learn how a teasing/critical word was not only cutting men down (often more than they let on) but also robbing me of the joy in recognizing the wonderful things men do and shortchanging my ability to bring forth life. Able to be demonstrated by being warm, open, considerate, and being in the mindset of doing selfless things; thinking of others. Kindness is one of the most underrated virtues. There is incredible power in showing kindness. I implore you to not use kindness as a manipulative weapon. But I will say, genuine acts and words will bear much fruit.
Compassion/Empathy
The ability to exercise insight into what someone else is going through and feeling with them. Sometimes using that information to inform thoughtful behavior. Noticing - and acting in accordance based on observation. Women as mothers know how to do this innately. Women tend to intuitively observe more facial notes/expressions, pick up on more details in body language, and sense more easily the emotions in others. This ability (beyond being a powerful protective mechanism) provides insight into when to exercise kindness and demonstrate devotion.
Chastity/Prudence
Not merely sexual restraint - chastity as it regards energy, output, investment, making sure there is ample care available for those in the trusted priority realm so as to be not maxed out as needs arise. Rationing out food - supplies, but also portioning out energy, and building in margin. A women exercising this virtue keeps herself well-rested, says no to too much, and makes sure she has love and energy to give her loved ones.
These are my interpretations of these eight cardinal virtues - I’d love to hear any input for these explanations. There are many more virtues out there but this basic framework helped me categorize my thoughts and actions and realize when I was stepping out of my feminine frame. As I mentioned above this is not a black and white operation. There will be varying proportions depending on stage of life and occupation and it’s in no way bad to have some of the opposite sex’s virtues. The issues arise when there is more of a leaning into the other without a strong foundation in your own.
I’d hazard a guess that a male musician without high empathy wouldn’t be a very compelling artist. But a mother needs to practice wisdom almost constantly in parenting.
I will not claim to have mastered staying in my feminine frame but I am intentionally practicing and I have truly found that the more I lean into the feminine the more light and life I’m able to bring around me.
Devotedly,
Mills
I never thought about the virtues like this! Very true
Tuesdays at one I sit and talk to a counselor for fifty minutes. Also on Tuesdays you post and that’s when therapy starts.
Spicy post. How do you decide what traits are because of nature and not nurture? For example in wisdom you state that women’s logic tends to be more clouded by emotions then men’s. If we flipped both how we see gender roles and how we raise each gender would the outcome flip?