Feminine Agency or Manipulation?
Along with a few thoughts on the 4B Movement
It’s been a pretty transformative six months for my life and my writing. Last week I presented for the decelerator fellowship I’ve been in since the top of June. A new audience gave me the much needed perspective refresh to outline what feminine agency is and specifically what I mean by it. One of my biggest takeaways from this process was how much easier it is now for me to talk about my writing. For years it was much simpler for me to just write in private, do my day job, and never the two shall meet.
I’ve been writing about femininity for a few years now - and early on if it ever came up (I’m quite often guilty of burying the lead and waiting for relevant conversation to emerge to share) I would often have people thinking I was writing about feminism. Which I was, in a way, but also I very much wasn’t. Feminism is probably what drove me to write about femininity but I’m not an expert on the history of feminism. There’s a good deal of common ground between the two as human societal cultural constructs. During my presentation last week I read aloud this excerpt from the introduction to my Lord-willing forthcoming book.
“Imagine you found yourself sitting next to me at a coffee shop or bar, and happened to glance over and see that I was writing something. Before you know it, we’re chatting — I don’t know how it happens, but it’s normal for me somehow. So, you ask what I’m writing. I take a sip of my coffee or cocktail and say, “Mind if I ask you a couple of questions before answering that?”
You consent, and I ask you (pretend you’re here with me for this), “What comes to mind when I say the word ‘femininity’?”
I’m sure you have a couple of immediate thoughts. Maybe words like “ladylike,” “delicate,” “elegant,” “refined,” “girly,” “soft,” “gentle,” “sweet,” or “weak”? Maybe even “frilly” or “froofy” and “pink.”
Now, my second question: “What comes to mind when I say the word “feminist’?”
My guesses are… “independent,” “tough,” “hard,” “strong,” “opinionated,” “argumentative,” “empowered,” and maybe even “angry.” In many ways, these are the absolute opposite of so many of the descriptors of femininity.
Whether I guessed any of your pre-existing descriptors about femininity or feminism, or you hadn’t ever really given it serious thought, I hope this exercise prompted some self-revelation.
I’m going to be using both terms a lot so I want to share the definitions I’m working from. As much as this writing is questioning the results of feminism, it is also a comprehensive approach to femininity and a primer on using agency in this context.
Feminism: At its core, feminism is the belief in full social, economic, and political equality for women. Feminism largely arose in response to Western traditions that restricted the rights of women, but feminist thought has global manifestations and variations.
Femininity: Femininity (also called womanliness) is a set of attributes, behaviors, and roles generally associated with women and girls. Femininity can be understood as socially constructed, and there is also some evidence that some behaviors considered feminine are influenced by both cultural factors and biological factors.
Agency: Agency is the sense of control that you feel in your life, your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and have faith in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks and situations. Your sense of agency helps you to be psychologically stable, yet flexible in the face of conflict or change.
A Dash of Origin Story + My Initial Practicing:
When I started researching femininity and realizing it is not contradictory to classical feminism, I was coming from a place of feeling deficient in my femininity. I had a date who provided me that feedback. I don’t recall how gracefully (or not) I handled his remark in the moment but as I reflected on his words I realized he was entirely right. I wasn’t acting all that feminine.
At first I thought maybe I was just out of practice. At work I was so self-conditioned to act like a man. I had a very physically demanding job that continuously required loading furniture and props in and out of a box truck and into set locations and sound stages. I used drills and knives every day, and was quite comfortable parallel parking a 15’+ box truck in New York City. As a tall woman with a good deal of physical strength living in a culture of female capabilities I was accustomed to lifting the other end of heavy furniture with men. I was practiced in refusing male offers of help. And as the department head and manager of mostly men, typically older than me, I was merely deepening the grooves of masculinity in my psyche. None of the actual tasks I was doing were antithetical to me being feminine, it was the mentality I was adopting while performing those tasks that was the real issue.
I kept finding myself in dating situations where I wanted to be taken care of but the kind of guys who were attracted to my strength and independence weren’t understanding that I wanted to be a totally different way in a romantic relationship. It was perplexing to me at first, which makes me feel a little sheepish to admit now. They were attracted to the capable and confident woman who was acting like a man. Of course they were confused when I didn’t want to be their mother.
So my self-improvement project became: BE MORE FEMININE. How? I’m allergic (read: ideologically incompatible) to inauthenticity and it has always made my skin crawl when girls would proffer helplessness to solicit assistance from men. I’m pretty gosh darn capable. So what was I to do? It started with recognizing that I had some resentment built up quite unintentionally towards men. I was frustrated that they weren’t being masculine or manly. That they weren’t pursuing. That they weren’t protecting.
Then it dawned on me. I could shift the dynamic. I could forgive their shortcomings, understanding that society had been pretty tough on them (not to excuse their complicit behavior), and instead of resentment, I could bequeath them the benefit of the doubt. I could behave as a lady, and use my agency to invite them to be gentlemen. As succinctly as this all sounds now, this process was not at all straight-forward for the record.
The first thing I started working on was catching myself from cutting down men. I was not intentionally being undermining, but I realized if I strained my comments through a sieve of “does this bring life” there were comments that need not leave my mouth. I wish I would have learned this as a little girl. I actually found it easier at first to see this happen in other women than catch myself, initially. But over time, I started to recognize a certain “lights-dimmed” impact on men when women used their words to diminish men. It wasn’t always with the intent to emasculate. But often it was reckless tongue-wagging that wasn’t taking into account the impact on the man.
Years later I was the only woman quite often in one of the office environments I worked in. I was also in the upper age range of most of the guys. So there would quite often be “locker room talk” and I would reach my limit. I wrote a piece back then about wanting to bring back fainting as I thought that would really be the most efficient way to signal to the ten or so young men discussing male genetalia that I was absolutely not copacetic to this topic of conversation in the office (not to mention it was open concept layout and I had frequent external calls).
I used a line in a playful tone quite a few times, “I think you’re forgetting I’m a lady” or “have you forgotten a lady is present?” I didn’t want to be a total buzz kill but I realized I had the agency to speak up for myself. I hoped they wouldn’t hold it against me, but I also knew it was up to me to say something. I could perhaps help inspire them to greatness. I could use my feminine agency to encourage the treatment I wanted, and knew other women would appreciate.
So what is the line between feminine agency and manipulation? Is this manipulation? And if it is, is it bad?
A Meander into Manipulation:
A couple of years ago my brother and I were both in Miami Beach for a bitcoin conference and as often falls to me, I was the group organizer. People wanted to get food together - and we had a few different circles with varying priorities. My brother didn’t want to venture far from our hotel. Some wanted to watch a UNC/Duke Final Four basketball game that was on. Others just wanted a big enough place for us all (20+) to talk and catch up where it wouldn’t be too loud.
So I looked up places near us that were large enough for our party to descend upon and called them to confirm they were showing the game and asked what the vibe was. I then communicated with everyone that I’d found a spot and everyone headed that way. On the walk over my brother commented how great it was that the place was such a short walk away for us. And I said, yeah, that was why I selected it. And I’ll never forget the seriousness with which he told me, “please, promise me to always use your power for good.”
No one that I communicated the selected spot with said anything about it being too far for them - and sure enough, it was a great place to watch the game for those invested. Everyone won! Except Duke… So was this manipulation? And is manipulation always bad?
Manipulation:
2b and 3 would suggest that there is a self-serving component to manipulation. But definitions 1 and 2a would allow room for manipulation to be a mere deftness in persuasion.
I think there is absolutely a potential danger vector of feminine agency. Especially if seduction is included in the tool belt. But to simply inspire men to be good men seems in the clear to me. Am I saying women should manipulate men? Not really. But I think women underestimate just how much power they have.
I do my very best to never open the door in mixed company. Every once in a while there is a brief awkward moment where I’m waiting by a door. I don’t expect my car door to be opened for me unless a man is interested in dating me. Yeah, I can absolutely open my own doors. But I can also leave room to show men that I would love them to open the door for me.
I’m doing my best to inspire men to both protect and provide for women. I sometimes have a hard time still in accepting provision. Not because I don’t desire it – I’m simply not used to it. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I’ve been so accustomed to taking care of myself for so many years. In fact, this was part of my reasoning in leaving the traditional workforce at the end of 2023. Could I unlearn the resistance to receiving that providing for myself had produced? Could I retrain my brain to be taken care of?
I guess I missed the class on how to be a feminine independent woman. Or maybe the class simply doesn’t exist and the women I thought had it all figured out were raised in different environments where they learned what I was looking for. Perhaps part of the reason why I felt this sense of ideological homelessness is in many ways I am operating in unchartered territory: women working from their femininity. Maybe I felt ideologically conflicted because this mode of existence hasn’t been well explored/documented/settled. I’m either crazy or I’m a pioneer.
A New Class of Women:
There’s an entirely new category of women that never existed in this proportion in the United States. Educated, employed, independent, and capable, non-married women. There are more single female homeowners than single male homeowners.
I devised a perhaps Don Quixotic mission to find out what modern day femininity could look like in the absence of a defining relationship with a man. Would it be possible to be in a posture of surrender/femininity without a man in the picture?
Being somewhat off-age from the hey-day of Sex in the City I never watched it. Last week as I was driving to New Orleans I pulled a move I’m marginally known for - “I listened to the show". I literally played three seasons like a podcast as I drove. I had a few curiosities. Why did people like the show so much? What made Carrie a relatable/empathetic/compelling lead? What was the whole saga between Mr. Big and her? I feel safe to not be accused of spoilers because it came out in 1998. I know there are more seasons but I feel like I got the gist.
Successful and attractive women in their 30s navigating dating and singleness in New York City. I remember when GIRLS came out (a loose modern day 2012 re-telling) it was heart-breaking and difficult to watch. My how far we’ve fallen. The hyper-realism was painful and pretty gross to endure. Just because it’s true doesn’t mean it’s beautiful or lovely. Lena Dunham captured the descent into pretty broken casual sex. She didn’t glamorize it. She showed the hollowness. Whether intentional or not - it seemed like a pretty spot on epilogue/counter-balance/follow-up to the Carrie Bradshaw of the late 90s and early 2000s.
But what neither show ever seemed to own, was that the women were often acting disempowered to the men they met. I’m not in any way implying their male specimens were fabricated. But there seemed to be no onus of responsibility on the women. The men behaved with bad morals, and treated the women despicably, but the women allowed it. They permitted/initiated non-committal sex. They played by the rules the men were showcasing - that they had been told were evening the playing field for women to act like men. Casual sex was sold to women as female empowerment. This is where I think feminine agency can come into play.
“Feminine Agency” in Current Events:
Post Trump’s 2024 election there has been a resurgence of a movement called 4B among liberal women - some even shaving their heads on video.
I saw a video commenting on how going so far left ended up basically right. My question to these activists would be if their denial of sex is to punish men, is the only reason they were having sex with men before was because they truly liked men? As I tend to look at many things through my “feminine agency” glasses I was heartened to see women realizing that they could make a stand and hold their boundaries. Fueled by hate and frustration is a rather wide miss of the mark, but there could be a beginning of revelation of true empowerment.
Are these 4B women actually just longing for a restoration of their feminine agency? I feel there is a common false dilemma presented to women that they are either empowered or feminine. Women desire power, but somewhere along the way they wanted the very same power that men have instead of realizing the incredibly valuable power available only to women.
As I alluded to at the beginning of this piece, a few years back I’d recognized I had some unintentional resentment towards men. It started as honest frustration from disappointment, but instead of doing anything generative I was merely disgruntled. Bitterness had taken root unbeknownst to me. I was mad at men for not being better. And as soon as I realized this, I felt like I could begin to address the issue at hand. I could forgive them, and change my perspective and treatment. I didn’t walk around thinking I hated men. But my frustration was energetically communicating to men that I was not a warm and safe woman to be protected. I was unsafe. And that’s not to say men should only protect safe women for the record.
Feminine agency is the choice to own your own beliefs whole-heartedly and to inspire the actions you want to see. I gave the dictionary definitions for feminism, femininity, and agency, but I’d like to give my personal layer two interpretations.
It seems to me that when people identify as a feminist in 2024 there is an underlying belief that men have an angle/bent against or advantage over women. I don’t think this was the initial verbiage - just what it has devolved to. And it feels like it’s lacking in autonomy or power. It’s reactive.
Femininity once felt like a disempowered word to me, but I think it’s the almost-magical way women can bring life to a situation; beyond babies; making a house - a home. Beauty, warmth, delight.
So feminine agency is my personal mission. To remind women everywhere that we’re not victims of male built systems. The systems were’t built to keep women down. We are actually the beautiful life-force that can live and enjoy their labor and bring beauty to life. And men are totally cool with us helping build or modify their structures these days.
Why would you want to be frustrated/upset at men if you could chose another way? I’m not saying men have been perfect angels all along. There are men who have definitely taken advantage of women which is such a far cry from their true power to protect women. But modern feminism is not actually giving women their power back and the fruit of extreme-liberal feminism doesn’t inspire me.
I think if you take a moment to look at your world and all the amazing sacrifices men have made along history you may just find some gratitude in your heart and room for a little forgiveness. Maybe you could find some goodwill toward men and even a little patience to employ some feminine agency for good.
The side-effects are beautiful. Men can tell if you are rooting for them. They don’t need much warmth to feel it.
Emasculating men does more damage for society than you may think. Because men who have women rooting for them are able to summit tremendous difficulty and beat unbeatable odds. But also, women, you hold so many more cards than you’re counting. You’ve been dealt a completely winning hand and don’t believe the lies you’re at a disadvantage. I know this seems like a wild way to end this one but modern day feminism is measuring us in a way that doesn’t truly take into account our beautiful differences as advantages.
I’m not going to suggest that every woman be a stay-at-home wife and mother or that all woman should be mothers to truly embody their femininity. Bearing children is a powerful act and competitive advantage women have over men, but I think we can all agree that Marilyn Monroe managed to fully be a woman in spite of never being a mother. I truly think women are sleeping on an incredible honeypot of power they are mistakenly discarding. By embracing femininity and choosing to employ agency in a generative way I believe there could be monumental shifts in our culture and society. We can inspire men to be the best versions of themselves, calling them up to our level if we are living from truly integrated states ourselves. Men and women have unique strengths and contributions that can work in high levels of equitable synergy and I sincerely hope I live to see this shift take place.
Mother Teresa is also a great example of a woman who was fully feminine without ever becoming a mother or wife! Love the thoughts you share here.